Map of the World
by Bluehaven4220
Summary: Hephaistion and Alexander meet at six and seven, whilst Alexander is being groomed as heir to the throne and Hephaistion for the art of war. Can their differing backgrounds bring them together, or will the difference between their classes tear them apart?
1. On A Mountain He Sits

**Title: Map of the World**

**Author: Bluehaven4220**

**Summary: Hephaistion and Alexander meet at six and seven, whilst Alexander is being groomed as heir to the throne and Hephaistion for the art of war. Can their differing backgrounds bring them together, or will the difference between their classes tear them apart?**

**Reviews: yes please! I LOVE reviews!**

**Disclaimer: Please please Mr. Stone, won't you let me have them for my birthday? No? You're mean! Okay, I don't own them, never will.

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I could hardly believe what I was being presented with. Me? Given the chance to meet Alexander, the Prince of Macedonia? I was but a mite of seven, and my father… did he not serve in Alexander's father's army? Oh well, it was not my place to question why Father was taking me with him. 

I remember my father saying that we were going to court to meet the King, and that I was to be on my best behaviour. If I put one foot out of line, I would receive a beating so severe I would wish for Hades' sanctuary. As we rode through the streets, I swung my feet back and forth, trying to keep myself entertained.

"Hephaistion, must you do that?" my nurse chided me. "Each time you do the carriage rocks forth and back."

"I'm sorry…" I muttered.

"Sit nicely!" my father hissed as we rode through the street, closer to the court. "You are toeing the line, Hephaistion."

I bit my bottom lip to keep myself quiet. My father could be a fair man, but not now. He said that there was too much at stake for our family. Father said that King Philip wanted to invade Persia, and he wanted my father to lead the second army. The only reason I was not at home right now, in the care of nurses was because my mother had died and Father said that I should learn the art of war while I was still young. Mother had always been opposed to such things, encouraging me to pick up paintbrushes and quills to draw and write instead of spears to kill people.

When we arrived at the court, Father jumped out of the carriage, put his hands under my armpits, and lifted me down. In turn, I turned around, and held out my hand. My nurse placed her hand in mine and carefully walked down the few small steps of the carriage.

I walked side by side with Father into the palace. We were greeted by King Philip and a young boy I could only guess was Alexander.

_This _was Alexander? He looked scrawny, not at all like how Father had explained him to me. He had said that Alexander, albeit six years old, was rather tall, and was dark and brooding, even for six. The boy in front of me was fair-haired, shorter than me, and smiling. He wasn't brooding at all. If someone brooded why would they smile?

"Wanna play tag?" I heard him ask.

"Okay," and Alexander and I ran.

"Hephaistion, come back here!" I heard Father's voice fading very fast.

"Ah, let them go, they are still young boys…" Philip chided. "They will know the art of war yet…" Philip put his arm around Father and led him into the palace. "Come, my good man, there are many a thing I want to discuss with you…"

Alexander and I chased each other until we collapsed on to the grass behind the palace. My nurse sat watching us, but I don't think she was going to say anything. I was having fun, and then Alexander pounced on me.

"Wrestle!" we shouted to each other. If there was one thing I didn't mind, it was wrestling. Mother hadn't approved, but Father said there wasn't anything wrong with it. Besides, he said, it would help train me to understand the art of war.

Everything I did he brought back to the art of war. Painting? Paint scenes of war, he told me. Studying botany? He said it would help me tend to my soldiers if they were ever injured. Philosophy? Philosophize battle plans, Hephaistion, it's always good to be prepared.

But here, as I wrestled with this scrawny boy who was next in line for the throne, there was nary a mention of war. We were just having fun together. When I pinned him between my legs he just laughed, and said that I had won, but it was the only time I was ever going to beat a Prince of Macedonia.

I laughed too, but little did I know that Father would come running toward us with a mean glint in his eye.

Alexander and I fled before he got to us, into the trees on the property, and if we had to stay there forever, we would.


	2. Not of Gold but of Sin

**A/N: So here's the second chapter. It deals with a flashback to Philip's wedding and both Alexander and Hephaistion's feelings toward what happened. Super duper special thanks to my reviewers... here's your nect taste.**

**I don't own them, never will.

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Chapter 2**

Many years later, Alexander and I departed for Persia. His father, King Philip, had said he wanted to conquer the state long before Alexander took the throne. But by the time Philip had attempted such a feat, he was too much of a drunkard to even stand up straight, let alone conquer a nation.

I can recall his wedding, and how drunk he had been even then. The festivities had just gotten underway. We all drank, of course, t'was the custom, but Alexander and I, as taught by Aristotle, knew that we had to be moderate in all things, thus including the consumption of wine. Alexander's mother, Olympias, had not attended, I still do not know of her plans that night, but all was fine.

Oh no, that _should_ read that all was fine until Philip's bride's uncle Attlus, intoxicated from the copious amount of wine he had consumed, proclaimed that Macedonia should have a more suitable heir now that Philip had married a true Macedonian virgin. Alexander, enraged at such a thought and or comment, whichever you prefer, threw a goblet through the air, very narrowly missing Attlus.

"What am I, you son of a dog!" Alexander cried.

"Come now, before you dishonour me!" I heard Philip cry as a brawl almost ensued. This from a man whom Alexander had looked up to all his life. I could practically see the hurt in Alexander's eyes. It cut me to the very core.

"Say you this in defense of a man who called my mother a whore and me a bastard! And I dishonour you!" Alexander shouted before refusing to apologize to a man who was surely no kinsman of his. Philip right then and there disowned Alexander, and I know Alexander showed that he felt no regrets as he left the room.

I followed Alexander back to his chambers, where he first refused entry to anyone but those who were truly close with him. It took several knocks to his chamber door before he would admit me. I cannot deny that I felt hurt by his actions, but I cannot say I blame him either. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was in pain.

I stepped into his chambers and shut the door behind me.

"Alexander," I said to him as I poured myself a splash of wine into an empty goblet. "You cannot let what Attlus says about you drag you into a depression. You make everyone proud of themselves because you are Prince of Macedonia…" I watched as he poured yet another goblet full of wine as well. I worried for him, I had never seen him so upset.

"Are you proud of me, Hephaistion?" he asked, the tear welling in his eyes as he sipped at the goblet.

"Yes I…" I stammered.

"No, I want you to think about it, Hephaistion…" he insisted. "Do not simply say you are proud of me because I am Prince of Macedonia. That title means nothing to me." He paused, and when he felt ready again, he continued. "Tell me, Hephaistion, are you proud of me?"

My mouth hung open as I struggled to find the words that would make him happy. All my life I had struggled to make my best friend happy. Soon after Father and I went to the palace to visit King Philip, Alexander had begged me to stay. Father had begrudgingly allowed it, and it had made Alexander happy. As we grew and studied together, I lived in the palace with him and his family. I had had a beautiful time there, and of course, as part of our schooling, we learned how to wrestle.

I remember Alexander insisting that one day he would defeat me when it came to wrestling. I must tell you that I am failing miserably in trying to stifle my laughter. To this day that is the one thing Alexander has not accomplished.

But I am digressing. I still did not know what to say to him, so I turned away. I did not wish to hurt him any more than he had been that night, so I kept my mouth shut.

"I shall think about it, my lord." I answered. This was the first time in a very long while that I had addressed him as such. To me he had always been Alexander, never his station above mine.

But now, as we grew older, I realized that our stations determined everything. He was Prince of Macedonia, and my father was once a general in Philip's army. All this meant was that my family were only a few stations above being commoners, and surely this would not sit well with the court. _The Prince of Macedonia shall ne'er consort with those below his station unless so dutifully instructed. _If this was true, then why was it that he still spoke to me? Not just on occasion, but _every day._

I left his chambers as from his mouth he uttered my name.

I did not look back, and I had no intention of doing so.

Not tonight.


	3. Through the Blood He Can Learn

**A/N: Two updates in one day, I AM ON A ROLL! this is a more emotional chapter that I hope will explain a little more of Hephaistion's way of thinking, and his feelings toward Alexander.**

**I don't own them, and I never will**

**REVIEWS ALWAYS WELCOME.

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Chapter 3**

The next morning, I awoke to find Alexander kneeling by my bed, his hand on my forehead.

"Hephaistion…" he whispered as my eyes opened to see him once again.

"Alexander?" I mumbled. "What are you doing in here?"

"I came to apologize." Was his answer as he brought himself up and sat on the bed. I sat up so that I could see his face. "I know not what I was saying last night, but whatever I said, I know I was wrong."

"But if you know not what you said, how do you know you were wrong?" I answered, attempting to make a joke.

His arm went around my shoulders and his lips met my cheek. "You are not funny, Hephaistion." He whispered and laughed in my ear. As he let go, I swung my legs over the bed and put my feet on the floor.

"Well, if I am not funny, then why do you laugh?" I asked, smiling as he turned to look at me.

Alexander charged at me, effectively knocking me to the ground. Soon he was on top of me. I squeezed my leg muscles just enough to cause pain, and then rolled us both.

"Pinned you," I chuckled.

"Hey, Phai let me up!" He pushed me off of him. Smiling as I got up to my knees, Alexander did the same. When I turned my head, he chose that moment to strike.

Throwing himself at me again, we rolled along the floor until I got my legs around his waist again. In the process I felt my cheek hit a loose piece of floor and the skin open. I could feel the blood beginning to slowly flow down my cheek. I had him immobile, he could not move.

"Pinned you again!" I smirked. _Only time you will ever defeat a prince of Macedonia? HA!_

"Phai…" he whined, all the while smirking, "this is not funny!"

"Of course it is!" I laughed, Alexander's waist still on the floor by way of my thighs. "This is hilarious." I refused to move off of him. "This is _exactly_ like the time when we first met you told me it was the only time I would ever defeat a prince…"

"Phai…" the playful expression on his face turned to concern. "You're bleeding…"

"I am what?" I reached my hand up to touch my cheek. When I removed my hand, sure enough, it was stained with mine own blood. "Oh dear…" I moved off of my best friend and sat back on the floor.

"Here, here, let me tend to that…" Alexander went to another part of the castle close to my chambers, and returned with a sort of plant. Aristotle had spoken to us of this; it was a leaf from an aloe vera plant. From our lessons, we had been taught that aloe vera was very soothing to skin whilst it was wounded. I watched as Alexander squeezed a bit of the sap on to his finger and rubbed it in and around the wound as a means of disinfection.

I cringed as the sap stung the already fragile flesh.

"Sorry," he muttered as he threaded a thin bone needle with a piece of thread. The first prick of the needle upset the nerves, but it took a lot for me to admit I was in pain. When he finished, he bit the thread after tying it in a knot. "There, I'm finished."

"Thank you," I muttered. Even though it was only him and I in the room, it felt strange to have my best friend stitch a wound in my face. I had always been the one to stitch his wounds, but I had never used aloe vera. Alexander had always insisted that I used nothing, just stitch it and let it heal naturally.

"It was not a problem," Alexander smiled at me as he went to the corner of the room and laid the tools in a bath of sterilized water.

Now, looking at my best friend, I could see the potential. This man truly had what it would take to be a leader, and a leader he would become. He was compassionate, fiercely competitive, and willing to take on tasks that no one else I knew was willing to take.

Alexander had always been my Achilles, and I his Patroclus, and now it was only more evident. We were not lovers, as Achilles and Patroclus were, but rather I loved him in a way that was different. He was my best friend, and I loved him as a best friend.

I must admit to you that these are feelings that I myself do not understand, and I will also freely admit that I do not appreciate the fact that I am standing here talking to you dressed in nothing but my dressing gown. So if you will excuse me, I am off to dress and go into the courtyard, where I will meet with the newly crowned King of Macedonia and discuss how we shall stage our exodus. Now if you do not mind, I am closing the door now.

Thank you.


	4. See the Life That He Took

**A/N: This chapter is probably the most emotional yet, but I think it was worth the wait.**

**Don't own them, never will.**

**Reviews ALWAYS welcome!

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Chapter 4**

Alexander and I agreed we would travel to Babylon. Whence we traveled to Babylon, we were welcomed as heroes. No, that is not entirely true; _Alexander_ was welcomed as a hero. The rest of us where welcomed as his companions.

That night, we were treated as guests to a dance native to the area. Ironically, Alexander's eunuch, Bagoas, danced. How he knew the dance itself when he was not native to Babylon is beyond me. When he finished, I could tell it had pleased Alexander, because I witnessed my best friend get up and go to kiss him.

That night, we were all settled around the fire, and the wine flowed. It was many hours into the night when Cleitus, who had been Philip's right hand and was now under Alexander's command, began chiding him.

"How can you so young compare yourself to Hercules?" he asked.

"Why not?" Alexander sneered, bending forward. "I've accomplished more than he did, traveled twice as far…"

"Hercules did it himself!" Cleitus shouted back at him.

_Shut up, Cleitus, you know not what you say_. I silently chided him.

"Did you conquer Asia by yourself?" he shouted again. "Of course you didn't! If it wasn't for your father's influence, you would not be where you are today!"

"Say nothing more of that do you hear me!" Alexander bellowed. "Say _nothing more!_" I could see that Alexander was losing control.

"Come Alexander…" I put my hands on his shoulders, hoping to lead him away.

"Get your hands off of me, Hephaistion!" he twisted and tore away from me. This hurt me, but it was nothing compared to what Alexander was feeling at this very moment. In my eyes, I had done all I could, it was out of my hands now.

"Oh so you need your precious bitch to lead you away?" again, Cleitus chided him, but I bit my tongue. I did not know what Alexander was going to do, he was very unpredictable.

"Admit it Alexander, you are nothing more than a coward who hides behind his father's name!"

That's when Alexander lost control completely. He wrestled a spear out of one of the guard's hands and impaled Cleitus on the other end.

In shock, Alexander dropped to his knees and let out a desperate cry.

My mouth dropped open. I had seen death, before, absolutely, but _never_ had I witnessed something so sudden, so rash.

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Three days later, Roxanne, Alexander's wife, came rushing into the tent. I rushed through the tent flaps and stopped her.

"I want to see him."

"He says none," I told her, "not even you…"

"_He needs me,"_ she insisted.

"No," I hissed, stopping her in her tracks. "He doesn't."

"And he needs you?" she sneered at me.

_Damn right he needs me._

Saying nothing, I turned away and went back into the tent, all the while hearing "Hephaistion, you make a mistake," come out of Cassander's mouth.

_Shut up, you old prick; we all know you're sleeping with Roxanne._ I kept this part silent, mind you. Alexander did not need to hear this through the tent.

"The army needs your reassurance," I told him, bending down in front of him. He looked tired, and drunk. Not drunk, but rather he was suffering the aftereffects of too much wine.

"What does it matter now? Cleitus was right, I _am _a tyrant…" he leaned into Bagoas' lap, sobbing.

"You are no tyrant. _You are Alexander…_" I shook him when he lifted his head. "This has only made you realize that you are mortal," I leaned in closer to his ear. "And they forgive you because you make them proud of themselves…"

He did not look like he was convinced.

"I am proud of you, my Achilles," I told him.

Hearing this, Alexander got up to his knees, and wrapped his arms around my neck. I was sure this was what he needed to hear.

Through strangled tears, I heard him whisper.

"And I you, my Patroclus."


	5. From a Council of One

**A/N: This chapter shows just how deep Hephaistion's awe and friendship for Alexander goes. It's more emotional and raw, something we may have come to expect from our soldier so loyal.**

**Don't own them, never will.**

**Reviews always welcome.

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Chapter 5 **

We marched into lands further unknown. Over 100 miles, and Alexander founded his tenth Alexandria. To see the buildings being erected in his name was incredible. We were surrounded with all this beauty and wealth, yet some nights I would be beckoned to Alexander's tent, in hopes that I could be the one to stop the terrors he was experiencing.

"_Hephaistion, you must come quickly," Roxanne begged me. This was certainly uncharacteristic of her. I was certain she despised me. As soon as I saw the look in her eyes I knew it was serious. She looked genuinely frightened. "Please Hephaistion… I would not ask if it were not a serious issue…"_

"_Why not ask Bagoas?" I muttered, attempting to turn over. I had not lost respect for Alexander, but I did not respect the choices he had made. He had taken a wife, Roxanne, who was not of Macedonian nobility; in fact she was of no political importance, and he had a eunuch. This is Bagoas. A rather good looking young man, actually. I'm sure that were he _not_ a eunuch, plenty of women would want to go to bed with him. No, this was not an uncommon practice; many others that I knew had eunuchs. In fact, had I been allowed I would have had the opportunity to take one myself. But I knew deep down I would never do such a thing._

_There I go, digressing once again._

"_Bagoas can do nothing," Roxanne insisted to me, "he has tried, by the Gods, he has tried, but Alexander insists on seeing you and only you…"_

_Rolling my eyes, I got up and made haste to his tent. Whence I arrived, I saw him curled into a tight ball, shaking and tears running down his face._

"_Alexander," I whispered, going over to his shaking body, kneeling, and putting my hand on his back. "My Achilles, what troubles you?"_

_The wretched sobs came once more before he could speak. "Blood…"_

"_What about blood?"_

"_So much blood…"_

_My eyes narrowed, trying to understand._

"_That young soldier, Glaukas, too young…"_

"_Glaukas was a casualty of war, Alexander." I repeated. "His legs were broken, his eye gone, there was nothing you could do…" _

"_I… held… him…" his breath caught in his throat. "I held him whilst another drove a spike through the back of his neck…"_

"_The most humane way to die in the condition he was in…" I told him in a desperate attempt for him to see my way of thinking. "He felt nothing, and you buried him like you did the others." I turned to Roxanne and Bagoas, my eyes flashing. Not with anger, with concern._

"_I pray you, give us leave." I mouthed to them both._

_Bagoas hung his head in respect and backed out to another part of the tent. Roxanne did the same, albeit begrudgingly._

_Once they had left, I laid down beside my Achilles and wrapped my arms around him. _

"_You are not weak…"_

_Silence._

"_Alexander?" I brought my ear closer to his mouth._

_Gentle snoring._

_For all his grief, he had fallen asleep in mine arms.

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See, all this I remember, but for what? For all it is worth Alexander does not pay attention to me as he used to.

Oh, do not misunderstand me; I do not need Alexander to make me feel wanted. I am a grown man, and I am capable of living and loving myself enough to not need him to sustain my very life breath.

But is Alexander capable of the same? Of this I am not sure. He needs me. He needs Bagoas and Roxanne as well. As children he and I used to say that we would never be apart.

And by the Gods and all that I worship, I hope it is true.


	6. He'll Decide that He's Done

**A/N: This chapter revolves around Alexander's last battle in India, told as always from Hephaistion's point of view.**

**Don't own them, never will.**

**Reviews and comments always welcome.

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Chapter 6 

Our last battle in India, oh how well I remember it. We rode through the forests of India. We were vulnerable; we did not know the land. The land full of things we had never seen before. High in the trees lived a species that looked like man, that walked like man, yet spoke in a tongue we had never heard. I can recall having to explain to Alexander and the rest of the army that these creatures would not harm us, that they were animals, and I knew that this species was called 'monkey'.

The monkey itself was not what bothered us, but then there was the rain. We had never before seen such the amount of water falling from the Gods, and the enormous snakes that slithered around us… battle had frightened us less. I remember hearing Alexander shout for the snake healers to come and tend to a young soldier who had been bitten. Before the healers could help him, he had died.

The next day we rode through the forests, only to come face to face with a gigantic beast I had only laid eyes on in pictures. My nurse had once told me it was, by name, called an elephant. I attempted to ride toward it, but…

"The horses will not go, Alexander!" I shouted to him.

"On foot then!" he shouted back to me. "Come Macedonians, why do you hang back? Ride, ride!"

And into the sea of raging soldiers he went. I shouted his name in an effort to make him come back. However, I was well aware that if Alexander started something, he would indeed be the one to finish it. Alexander, King of Macedonia, was not one to accept defeat, and he would not return until he succeeded.

It was then I saw the most incredible thing I think I have ever seen. Whilst riding his horse Bucephalus, he charged toward that monstrous looking thing called an elephant. I watched, almost in horror, as Bucephalus reared at precisely the same moment as the elephant. With two legs in the air he could not have been very stable. Suddenly, a spear flew from the hand of the man riding the elephant, and it pierced Bucephalus in the point of the shoulder. Alexander, whilst falling, threw his own spear, but as he did, an arrow struck him in the chest.

Alexander fell from Bucephalus and hit the ground with such force I was sure he would be dead if I did not do something.

"The king is down!" I shouted. "Ride to your king's aid!"

With Alexander unable to move, I, Ptolemy, and believe it or not, Bucephalus, surrounded him to protect him. Mine own horse was then struck down, and I fell with him. As I moved to get up and attack whoever dared harm the king, I suddenly felt searing pain.

I had been struck in the thigh with a spear. Letting out a cry, and believe you me, it takes a fair amount for me to admit I was in pain, I made one last swing with my sword, and I fell. Not thirty minutes later the Indian savages had retreated, and Alexander was lifted high above us for his own protection.

He turned his head as he was carried away from the battle grounds, where over one hundred of us lay injured, some dying perhaps. He looked at me, but I am not sure he recognized my face; he had lost too much blood.

Within a week, all of us had gathered outside of Alexander's tent. We had waited, some patiently, other not so, for him to emerge from his tent. Roxanne had not been allowed admittance, neither had Bagoas, not even I.

Twas a humid day whilst we finally laid eyes on our great King Alexander. Beyond his pale and sickly looking skin I saw a look in his eyes that I had never seen before.

Twas the look of defeat.

"Men of Macedon…" he addressed us.

Again, we waited in silence.

"We're going home."


	7. With the Innocent, On His Face is

**A/N: This chapter revolves around Hephaistion, Alexander, and one other. I won't tell you who, you will have to read to find out, and Hephaistion makes a decision that will startle even those who seem most infallable.**

**Don't own them, never will.**

**Reviews always welcome.

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Chapter 7**

"What did he say?" I heard a faint voice behind me.

"Home?" came another.

"We're going home!" Crateros, one of the generals, shouted for all to hear.

Suddenly a loud cheer erupted all around me. I pushed myself up and smiled. Whence I settled myself again, a hand reached down and gripped me by the shoulder.

"Come, Hephaistion," I heard the voice of none other than Cassander. Cassander? I was certain the man despised me as much as Roxanne did, perhaps even more so.

"Cassander, what are you doing?" I asked as he helped me stand up. Putting my arm around his shoulder, I limped along beside him.

"I need to speak with you," he insisted.

"Me?" I asked, not knowing what he had planned. "You have your own troops, Cassander; need you consult with me over what they do?"

"No, I just want a talk," he insisted. This was indeed strange. Cassander had never before spoken to me this way. I had always been under the impression that Cassander was nearly green with… I would not call it jealousy, but rage perhaps? Over Alexander's choice for a wife. Truth be told none of us liked Roxanne, I only put on a face to make it seem like I accepted her to spare him grief.

"Ok, what about?" I sat down in the sand and inspected my leg. It was not infected, thanks to the stitching job Philip, one of our physicians, did for me.

Cassander sat down beside me. "Have you ever lain with another man, Hephaistion?"

I could feel my head jerk back in surprise. Immediately my thoughts went back to when we had been young boys, I think twelve or so, and Cassander asking if the love between Achilles and Patroclus was a corruptive one.

"Of course," I answered. He knew this, why did he bother to ask? I had lain with Alexander many a time.

"Did you love with this person?"

"I believe so…" I stuttered. Where was he getting this from? He knew I loved Alexander.

"Were you in love with him?"

"Cassander, please!" I got up, walked away about 6 paces and placed my hands upon my temples. "Why do you ask these questions of me?"

"Because I know, Hephaistion, I can see it in your face!" he answered, rather loudly, but loud enough to make me listen. "You may claim that you love this person, and that is fine, but you are not _in love with him!"_

Mine eyes grew wide at this accusation. How could Cassander, son of Antipator, who had never lain with a woman as of yet, know this? I was in love with Alexander…

Was I not?

"You are not in love with him," Cassander insisted, himself rising and coming over to me. Placing his hands upon my cheeks, he leaned forward and planted a kiss upon my forehead. "Grant me this one night, Hephaistion?" he asked.

Cassander had never asked this of me before, nor any other for that matter. Looking into his eyes I could see that he was serious.

I turned, and he turned with me.

When Apollo sent the sun o'r the horizon the next morn, I awoke to find myself in Cassander's arms.

I untangled myself, careful not to wake him, and poked my head outside. There, in the middle of the rows of tents, stood the King.

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"How fared you last night?" he asked as I came out to speak with him.

"No less than you did, my King," I answered, moving my hand to rub the sleep out of my eye. It was then I realized that I had ne'er called Alexander 'my King'. What had happened?

"You lay with Cassander last night," he informed me, no change in his tone of voice.

"Yes I did."

"Why?" he asked of me.

My eyes grew wide. "Tell me, Alexander, why you may lay with eunuchs and I may not lay with whomever I choose?" I bit my lip to keep myself from shouting. "Why is it not appropriate for me to share my body with someone who has ne'er experienced the mere _concept_ of loving another, when he so asked me last night?"

I saw a look in Alexander's eye I knew all too well.

Anger, rage.

"Because you belong to me…" his hand reached out to touch my cheek.

"Do not touch me!" I hissed, wrenching myself away from him. "I belong to no one."

"Turn your back on me Phai, and so help me Zeus…" his voice lowered, as if to threaten me. "You are a general in my army that _my_ father built, with his own two hands! He gave you your station; I can relieve you of it!"

"Than do it!" I taunted. "Take it from me…" I removed the crest from my cloak and threw it in the sand. To make him all the more angry, I spat on it, to show Alexander _exactly_ what I thought of him now.

This was the final draw. I was tired of being owned, and I would not stand for it any longer. "And you shall no longer call me Phai, but Hephaistion." I hissed. "You are no longer Alexander, but my King, and I shall address you as such."

He reached for me again, his eyes wide. Again, I turned away.

Upon my horse I climbed, steering the reins to make him move.

"I shall leave now, Your Majesty, and do not come after me, for I do not exist any longer…" I told him. Coaxing my steed, I turned him and built him into a trot.

The last image I had on India was that of Alexander, King of Macedonia, collapsing on the sand with enough tears running down his face to fill the River Nile, and Cassander emerging from the tent I had lain with him in.

Mine own.


	8. A Map of the World

**A/N: This chapter deals with Hephaistion's past, as told by Hephaistion to another who rides after him. You'll have to read to find out who. For the record, there are three new characters introduced, and their names are pronounced as follows:**

**Heshaylae- Heh- shay- lay**

**Arties- Are- ties**

**Media- Me- dee- ya**

**I don't own Alexander, Hephaistion, Cassander, nor any other names you recognize... then again no one does, Oliver Stone brought them to life again so us writers could have fun with them. All original characters are my own creations, please ask before using for your own devices.**

**Reviews always welcome.

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Chapter 8**

I rode through the plains of India, not bothering to stop for food, nor drink, nor anything else, unless my horse bucked slightly, letting me know it was time for a rest. Dismounting, I built a fire using the sticks I had collected whence I'd had a bit of time to myself. The horse lay down next to the fire, which was strange. I had never seen a horse that would do such a thing.

Just as I was getting ready to retire another horse came riding toward me. I could not see the rider, but immediately I jumped to my feet. Mounting my horse again, I rode toward the intruder with my spear in hand.

"Stop!" I heard a shout. Suddenly, by the light of the moon, I saw Cassander dismount his steed at the exact moment I did. "Hephaistion!" he shouted again.

"Cassander!" I responded, going toward my beloved and enveloping him in an embrace. My eyes closed as I inhaled his scent. He smelled of sand; the crisp, Indian air; and his own unique odour.

My beloved? Since what time had I ever called Cassander 'my beloved'?

"Why in the name of Zeus did you come after me?" I asked against his shoulder. "You understand you are abandoning your troops to see where I go…"

"No less than you did, General," he answered.

I winced. He knew that would plague my conscious for days, perhaps weeks to come.

"I could not take it any longer, Cassander," I told him, letting him go and clapping my hand on his shoulder. "I could not _stand_ to see him with that pretty boy Persian whore any more than I could stand to see him with Roxanne…" I growled.

"With all the abuse he's given you, I am surprised you did not leave sooner."

"It was because I was blind," I raised my hand and let it rest upon Cassander's cheek. "I did not realize until I lay with you, Cassander, that I could love another."

"Is this true?" his eyes narrowed.

I nodded, my hand still remaining on his cheek. "If I could, Cassander, be so bold, ask why in the name of Aphrodite, you rode after me?"

"Because you are a General," he answered. "You had abandoned your troops," his voice was stern. "I saw you ride off in the morning; I knew not where you were headed."

"Nor did I," I confessed. "I just rode," I took my horse by the reins and led him back to where I had built that fire for the night.

"Shall you come back with me?" he asked me whilst he followed me to the camp I had made.

"No," I answered, gritting my teeth together. "I shan't be. I can no longer stand to be in his presence."

"But Alexander is nothing without you, Hephaistion!" Cassander pleaded. "What happened between us was not what the Gods consider to be love," he pleaded with me again, "it shan't happen again…"

"Then what would you consider it?" I asked him, sitting down in front of the fire and throwing a few more sticks in to make sure it still had life.

"Twas nothing but my foolish desire to feel what it is like to love another," he insisted, casting his eyes down.

"Consider this foolish, do you?" I gestured for him to come and sit with me. "A desire to lay with another is a need, Cassander; it is nothing to be ashamed of." I put my arm around him. "One cannot practice self gratification for the rest of their days, tis not natural."

For only the second time in my life I did not view Cassander as one who would seemingly turn on me with a dagger clenched in his fist. Twas odd, most assumingly. Before me I saw a man whose eyes betrayed all he had attempted to tell me.

"I am not ashamed that I lay with you," I answered that yearning question. "In fact, you are one of the best lovers I have ever taken to bed with me."

"Had you other lovers before Alexander?"

"Most assuredly I did," I hugged him closer. "To please my father I lay with a Macedonian virgin, and she bore me both a son and a daughter."

"Carried two in the womb?"

I nodded. "Arties and Media, she called them."

"Laid you eyes on them?"

Again, I nodded. "The most beautiful children I could have ever seen."

Once again, Cassander was silent. "You have all these stories, Hephaistion, yet you share them with no one. Why?"

"The same reason I had never laid with another man besides Alexander before last night." I told him. "Perhaps I was blind, or in denial, I do not know."

"And now you are not," Cassander realized. "You are free to go wherever you may please."

"So you see why I enjoy it so…" I insisted. "My freedom. I would like nothing more than to return to Macedonia and see the children I left behind."

"What of their mother?"

"Her as well," I answered. "She was absolutely beautiful." I closed my eyes as I attempted to recall her features. "Gorgeous brown eyes, hair the colour of fine honey..."

"Her name?" Cassander interrupted me.

"Shaye."

"Shaye?"

"Twas short for Heshaylae."

Cassander nodded. Getting up, he clasped my shoulder and looked me in the eye.

"Farewell, General," he mounted his steed and turned the animal to face to all encompassing darkness. "May the Gods bless your journey home..." he sighed. "Home to Heshaylae, Arties, and Media with you now."

With that, off he rode, leaving me to fend for myself the rest of the night. Perhaps it would be the last time I would lay eyes on him.

"Farewell, Cassander," I whispered before sitting back down and tending the fire one last time before letting sleep overtake my body.

"On to Macedon…" I muttered to myself, taking a drink from my flask. "To home…"


	9. A Map of the World, Part II

**A/N: This chapter is most definitely about Hephaistion and his relationship with Heshaylae and his children. I must worn you that there is a reason that this chapter is being rated as M, but it is not gratatious.**

**I don't own any names that you recognize, but original characters belong to me. Please ask before using for your own devices.**

**Reviews always welcome.

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Chapter 9 

The next morning, as promised, I rode as far as I could before both my horse and I tired. It was not for another year that I completed my journey back to Macedonia. I had not brought Heshaylae with me to Babylon, and as such I did not know if she had explained to our children that I was away and that I hoped to be back to Macedonia soon. In fact, I was not even sure that she would recognize me.

But Heshaylae and the children were not my first order of business. It was absolutely imperative that I seek out my father and have a word with him.

Around the buildings I went, until I found my father's quarters. Through the curtain I went, and I was faced with my father's page.

"My lord Hephaistion!" the boy nearly shook in his sandals. "So soon you return to us!"

"I have been gone seven years, boy," I snarled. "Seen you my father?"

Suddenly, my father appeared from the shadows.

"Hephaistion…" he breathed, embracing me.

For all the times I had been glad to see him, this time, I could not help but feel nothing for my father. He was not the same person; I was not the person he would remember me as. When I left he wished me strength, knowing full well I did not have the stomach for war.

I embraced him as well.

"Father," I acknowledged him.

"Back without Alexander?"

He touched a nerve, but I could see by the sincerity in his face he did not mean to do so.

"Alexander is dead to me now," I hissed through gritted teeth. I bowed to him as a sign of respect. "I shall leave you now, Father. I must go see my children."

With that, I left him. My father was an extremely fair man, but now, as a grown man, I was not willing to heed what advice he had for me. It did not matter to me now. My father, Amyntor, could indeed be a fair, honest, and wise man, but I, his son Hephaistion, was no longer willing to hear of it.

* * *

I walked away from the palace and mounted my horse again. I rode to the home I had grown in, just on the far reaches of town. As I approached the home, I noticed a young girl playing in the sand with a doll her mother must have fashioned for her.

Her eyes meeting mine, I realized this young girl could be none other than Media. She turned, ran into the house, and I heard her cries.

"Momma!" she bellowed.

Suddenly a young woman ran out the door, fearing the worse it seemed. I dismounted my stead and fussed with the bit and bridle. Catching notice of her, I turned and looked at the woman standing in the doorway.

"Heshaylae," I whispered.

Her legs seemed to give out underneath her, and I saw tears form in her eyes. Tiny cries erupted from the very depths of her soul as she lifted her skirts to run to me.

I was not standing so far away, but it seemed a lifetime before she reached me and jumped into my waiting arms.

"Oh Hephaistion," she cried on my shoulder. Her tears ran down my shoulder. "I feared you may never return."

She pulled away slightly to look me in the eyes. The shade of brown surrounding the pupil was what had me so captivated with her. Bending my head, I caught her lips in a kiss.

How I had forgotten the touch and taste of a woman. Suddenly I wanted more. She tasted of the Macedonian fruit trees that grew aplenty.

Gently pushing her hand against my chest plate, she smiled at me and led me into the house. Hardly anything had changed. The hand woven carpet my mother had made when I was first four still adorned the floor in the bedchamber. The curtains from my childhood still adorned the hallways. The only thing that had indeed changed was the fact that I had two children sitting on the couch in the aptly named sitting area. As I looked into their eyes, I saw their mother. If Heshaylae had not explicitly stated that I had sired Arties and Media, you would not have been able to tell.

That night I lay with the woman I had left behind for the first time in nearly seven years. I had forgotten what penetrative sex felt like. I had always the receptive partner, only once had I not been. I kept my eyes upon her as she moaned her pleasure into my mouth. She had become so beautiful, maturing from the shy fifteen year old girl I had known to the fiery mistress I now held in my arms as she reached her peak.

"Oh by the Gods, Phai!" she whispered hoarsely as I pleasured her breasts, gently caressing her nipple with what she came to call my 'skilled tongue'. I continued such delightful torture upon her as the sensations overtook her body and she thrust her hips forward. This motion only made my abstinence from gratification impossible as we joined as one, and soon the same feelings took over me. Sleep overtook us soon after, Heshaylae still held tightly in my grasp. When I awoke in the morning, it was not by my own will. The children had come from their chambers to awaken us. Opening my eyes, Media smiled, bent down, and whispered in my ear.

"I hope you make my Momma happy."

Smiling through sleepy eyes, I promised her I would never do anything to bring harm to her mother or her brother and herself.

* * *

I spent nearly a year getting to know my children and their mother again. Arties would tell me all the things he had learned from the teachers who had been influenced by Alexander and his desire to build an empire worthy of the name of Alexandria.

"Papa," he would ask. "Teacher says that you were boyhood friends with the Great King Alexander…"

"Yes I was, my boy," I answered.

"But you are not anymore…"

I grit my teeth. He was an innocent child, what did he know of the complexities of relationships between two people?

"You are right, my son," I answered.

"Does he no longer make you happy?"

I stopped. "What do you know of such things?"

"Momma says that you and Alexander were great boyhood friends," he insisted. "But now you say you are not, what did he do to wrong you so?"

Such an inquisitive child. Media would sometimes ask why the 'Great King' Alexander was not here in Macedonia to watch over the kingdom, and why was it that girls could not attend school with the boys? Her insistence that she was equal in intelligence to her brother and his friends ended in private tutoring for her. For only six years of age they were incredibly bright; like their mother. Shaye had only been carrying the children one month when I had left, so they were just reaching their seventh year.

* * *

As I rode home from the town council, where I had accepted a post, I saw another horse standing in front of the house, the man on the horse's back speaking to Shaye and her attendant.

Worried for the safety of my family, I jumped off my horse, drew my dagger and charged toward the intruder. I wrapped my arm around his neck and whispered harshly in his ear.

"Just one more step and so my dagger shall meet with your throat…"

In the grip of mine arm the figure turned to face me.

The eyes. The eyes bore into me like a thousand arrows to my heart.

"What business could you possibly have here in Macedon?" The person standing in front of me, one I had never expected to lay eyes on again?

Cassander. Yes, Cassander, son of Antipator, had returned to Macedonia… what I did not understand was why he had returned.

"Hephaistion…" he was just about to tell me, my young daughter came rushing from the sitting room, her tutor following close behind.

"Papa!" she shouted with glee as I bent down, held out my arms, and enveloped her in an embrace. Picking her up, I placed her on my hip.

"Hello, my dear," I greeted her, intent on making a small show for Cassander. "The man in front of you, he goes by the same of Cassander," her eyes diverted to look him in the eye. "Might you speak to him well?"

I let her down so that her feet touched the ground again. Crossing one leg behind the other, she bent her knees and bowed her head.

"Pleased to meet you," she smiled, bringing herself back straight again.

Cassander returned the welcome. He bent to one knee, took her right hand in his, and gently kissed it. "And you as well, m'lady."

"Papa, may I show you what I learned today?" Media inquired, taking her piece of slate from Lydia, her tutor. Twas very rare to see women as teachers, but Heshaylae insisted on paying a female 30 talents a day to teach our daughter. I, being a lover of knowledge and books, agreed.

"In a few moments, Media," I answered, turning to her tutor. "Thank you, Lydia, I pray you, go home to your family."

"Oh thank you sir!" she bowed in respect and quickly made leave.

Once she had taken leave for the night, I invited Cassander into my home and sat with him on the couch in the sitting room. Heshaylae soon brought us goblets of wine and a plate of fruit, cheese, and leavened bread.

"Thank you, my darling," I angled my chin as to kiss her. My lips met her cheek. "So, my dear Cassander," I returned my gaze to him as Shaye busied herself with Arties and Media within another room of the house. "What brings you back to Macedon?" I took a tentative sip of wine, studying his features.

All signs of joy and pride faded from his face.

"Alexander has died, Hephaistion," he told me with a sad glint in his eye.


	10. On His Face is

**A/N: Perhaps this chapter should be rated M as well! This chapter deals with the aftermath of Cassander delivering the news to Hephaistion, and offers a glimpse into Heshaylae's paternatity. Take this information for what you will, but it develops the plot and a new plotline could emerge.**

**Don't own them, never will. Orginial characters are mine, blah blah yada.**

**Reviews always welcome.

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Chapter 10 

Suddenly I had lost all feeling in my legs. It was a fortunate thing we had been sitting, because otherwise I would have fallen to the floor. I set my goblet of wine on the table in front of me, not able to utter anything else.

"How?" I managed.

"Twas his heart…" Cassander informed me. "His heart, Hephaistion, it gave out."

"Does the physician know what from?"

Cassander shook his head, taking a sip of his wine. "I think, by my own speculation, he may have very well drunk himself to death."

I raised an eyebrow, not in mourning, but rather skepticism. "Did he drink it unmixed?"

"Many a time," Cassander answered. Seeing the dead expression in my eyes, he did not believe what he was seeing.

"Matters he not to you?"

The look in my eyes answered his query. Alexander was dead; he had been dead to me for several years. Whether he was actually dead and buried did not matter to me now. I sat back, my face still stoic.

"He entered a depression after you left."

"He brought it upon himself…" I bit my tongue to keep from spewing obscenities. I may sound bitter, but you know as well as I do that I shan't ever admit to it.

"But you do care…" Cassander answered. It was more a statement than a question.

Silence from my lips.

"You would not act so hostile if you did not care."

"_He is dead to me!"_ I felt the cry rip from deep within my chest, realizing for the first time since boyhood that I no longer cared for the man who had taken an army ten thousand miles to the end of the Earth. The look on Cassander's face told a thousand stories. A man changed by war, by love, by rejection, by blood. He was clearly not a man expecting the words that left my mouth.

"Hephaistion…" he reached out to me. His hand resting on my thigh, he looks me in the eye. "If you did not feel hurt that he is gone you would not act this way."

I hurled my wine goblet to the floor. "How in the name of Hades did you deduce such a thing?" I shouted. "I told you, and I shall tell you once more… Alexander has been dead to me for several years… I do not care that he is dead and buried. It has no meaning to me anymore!" With that, I retreated to my bedchamber.

I heard Heshaylae speaking to Cassander as he got up. "To deliver such news, Cassander, son of Antipator." She bent down and placed the wine goblet back on the table. "At such an important time to Hephaistion."

"What makes this time so important?"

* * *

"Tis almost a year since he returned, Cassander," she answered. "He has just begun to have his children trust that he will not abandon them…" 

I assumed Cassander nodded, kissed Shaye on the cheek, and departed. By the time Heshaylae had put the children into their beds, it was well into the night and I feigned sleep.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. "Phai…" she whispered to me. "Something troubles you…" It was not an intruding statement. Heshaylae was as intelligent as they come, she could read me like a book. "Speak to me, Phai, what brings about this sudden change?"

I sat up on the pillow, and turned my body to face the woman I loved in the eyes. "It would not trouble me so if I did not share a past with the man…" I answered.

"Speak you of Alexander?"

I shook my head. Her eyes told me she had deduced the only other option. "Cassander?" she asked. "Have you lain with Cassander?"

I nodded my head in answer to her question.

She leaned forward, rolled me over so that she lay on top of me, and kissed my forehead.

"I do not blame you," she smiled as she kissed me again. "Cassander is quite a handsome man." Again, she said this between kisses to my lips. "I do not judge you for the choices you have made." Soon my hands had moved to lift her nightdress over her head, which then landed on the floor. "Though I must say, those choices have led you to become such a skilled lover…"

I could not contain myself. I found myself responding to her kisses, gently gripping her forearms and rolling her again so that I may be the penetrative partner. My hands traveled to her breasts, where I took one nipple in my forefinger and thumb, gently coaxing it until she was thrusting her hips forward.

"Oh by the Gods!" her whispers in my ear as her eyes rolled back in arousal. Somehow she managed to stop me, slip herself beneath the blankets, and I felt her mouth enclose around the head of my penis. I felt her hot tongue slide across the tip, and I was close to gratification. So much at this point, that I wanted to stop her, roll her over, and penetrate her almost immediately.

But I did not want to harm her. I could feel myself beginning to shake in orgasm, and soon I felt hers as well. It had been quite a while since Heshaylae and I had achieved something so meaningful through our bodies. Though tonight, twas different. This night I was letting go of all the pain, hurt, and bitterness I had kept locked deep inside myself for so long. Being with Shaye gave my life some sort of purpose. She, as a lover and the mother of my children, was so beautiful to me. There were no words to accurately describe how much I wanted to take her as my wife. I had not done so, though we had two children.

Many had expected me to take her as my concubine, but I could do no such thing. I could never live with myself knowing that I would have been treating her as a whore, whilst I thought so much more of her.

Now, as she lay in my arms, I began to wonder.

Was all that I had in my possession a dream? Was it nothing more than a fantasy I had wished to come true? If I were to pinch myself, would I awaken from this dream and realize that nothing was real?

As Heshaylae slept in my arms, I reached around and pinched myself just to be sure.

The pinch stung.

I was not dreaming, but I needed to be cautious. It was as though at anytime something, or someone for that matter, possessed the power to take away all that I had worked so hard for.

As I drifted into sleep, all these thoughts were pushed to the back of my mind as I held the women I loved.

Because you see, Heshaylae was the daughter of none other than Cleitus the Black.


	11. A Map of the World, Part III

**A/N: I'm very sorry for my lack of updating on this story, (my muse ran away), but here's another chapter! I don't think you'll need tissues, but take some just in case. Hephaistion must deal with very conflicting feelings, but I urge you to interpret this as you see fit. **

**Don't own them, never will, original characters are mine, haven't we been over this before?**

**Reviews always welcome

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Chapter 11**

Heard me correctly, you did. I fell in love with Heshaylae soon after my father had forced us together. The night I took her for the first time I was reluctant to share myself with her. I had never been with a woman, nor she with a man. Our lovemaking that night was slow, tentative, neither of us knowing what the other was capable of. You could come to the conclusion that this is precisely why Cleitus hated me so. It was because I had taken his daughter but I had not married her. Thinking me a sod, he always held that sort of inclination toward me.

Now, as I lay with her in my arms, I saw none of the man who I had hated for so long. The only person I saw in her was the woman whom I was in love with. The next morning I awoke to the sight of Arties and Media arguing over who had go fetch I and Heshaylae from our bedchambers.

"By Zeus, children, you _must_ quiet yourselves," I tore them apart and held one in each hand. "Your mother is asleep."

"Papa, we were just deciding who was going to wake you and Momma," Arties insisted.

"Rather loudly," Heshaylae came out of our bedchamber, rubbing her eye.

"Rather loudly indeed," I set them down gently to the floor and went to the counter, where a knife and cutting board had been laid out.

"But Papa," Media protested.

"Enough!" I snapped. I could not control myself. "Children, please, just _hush_!" I took the early fashioned knife I had been chopping fruit with and slammed it into the cutting board I had fashioned only a few days before. "Shaye, excuse me, I need to leave…" I put down the knife and left the house.

"Momma, where does Papa go?" Media asked as I turned and left. "Does he not love us anymore?"

It broke my heart to hear that, but my heart was already broken, though I would not admit it. As much as I despised the man I was becoming; I suppose you could say I was becoming an animal, I did not know how to stop it.

I mounted my steed and made my way to where I knew Cassander now resided. In Greece. It was not a long ride from Macedonia, but in my mind the ride to the familiar plains of Greece seemed to take a lifetime, and then more time added to that.

* * *

Whence I arrived, I was not surprised to see that Cassander had taken his division of Alexander's kingdom, and made it to prosper. As I walked through the cobbled stone street near his residence, I was in awe of what the man had accomplished. The structures had been rebuilt since the time of Philip, women were free to do as they pleased, in fact I saw several wooing one man at the same time, and never had it been so beautiful.

It was not until a few moments later that I noticed Cassander emerging from the crowd around him. I was too stunned to shout his name, but somehow, he knew I was there.

I stood still amid the sea of Greeks around me. I was sure I looked like a fool, standing in the middle of the street, unmoving. My arms crossed over my chest, I breathed a harsh sigh and walked toward him.

Suddenly, when I was close enough, his hands clasped my shoulders. I, still rigid, did not know what to do. And so I stood there, my arms still crossed. I did, however, grant him a look into his eyes.

The eyes I had known to be warm when seduced and hard when enraged… seemed enraged still. I was not sure if it was the fact that I had decided to come to Greece, or the fact that I refused to admit that Alexander's death had left a hole in my heart so large it was like the River Nile had burst through a dam.

My hands went up and clasped his wrists. For a long while we said nothing, we did nothing but stare at each other.

Suddenly, my resolve ended, and I felt a single tear roll solemnly down my cheek. I could not, _would not_break down in the middle of the street, in public, and humiliate myself. Cassander, sensing such a thing, moved so that my arm was around his shoulder, and helped me into the house.

He offered me a cloth to wipe my face. I accepted, dried my eyes, and handed it back to him.

Taking it from me, he did not say a word as he turned his head toward me, came closer, and kissed my forehead. I felt my eyes close as he backed away.

"I told you, Hephaistion, if ever you needed me, I would be here…" he told me. I did not respond. My eyes told a story, I'm sure. I was actually not sure how I felt. Did I feel hurt? Betrayed? I did not know. Was I saddened by the fact that I could not say goodbye? Was I denying myself these feelings? Was I undeserving of such things?

Cassander said nothing. Instead, he took a step toward me, wrapped his arms around me, and held me. I felt myself let go, and I cried. Good sweet Aphrodite, I could not recall the last time I had cried like this. Not for many years, I'm sure. I had not even cried like this when I had been reunited with Heshaylae and my children. True, being with my family after seven long years was rewarding in itself, but only Cassander could truly understand the pain I felt. He had been there with me as Alexander reined abuse after abuse upon me.

I may go as far to say that I took the abuse in stride. I covered it with the façade that Alexander loved me, and that he would never intentionally harm me. I knew this was true, I had to believe it.

But I could tell by the way Cassander had always looked at him that he did not feel this way. There would be times he would look over the rim of his wine goblet and look at Alexander as though he wanted him dead, as though his eyes could shoot daggers and pierce Alexander through the heart.

Had I still been on good terms with Alexander but that time I would have defended him, but instead I chose to believe that Cassander was right, and I myself wished that I could stab Alexander through the heart.

I believe I did.

I believe I killed him with the monstrous way I left him in India, and the way I had refused to acknowledge him even after I had settled back in Macedonia. I told this to Cassander as I held on to him tightly.

"You did nothing I would not have done myself, Hephaistion," he whispered to me. "You did not kill him… as you said he brought it upon himself."

I was still not convinced.

"He drank too much and rested too little," Cassander pulled a piece of hair from my face and tucked it behind my ear. Gently, he placed a kiss to my temple, and I felt my eyes close. Twas not a sexually natured kiss, he meant to comfort me. "You did not kill him…" he assured me again.

As I said my goodbyes to the man I had come to respect as a comrade, a friend, and a lover, and made my way to Macedonia once again, I could not help but wonder what life I could have led had I never gone.

Heshaylae would tell me that I was meant to be a philosopher, a teacher, like Aristotle had been. I was meant to write books on poetry and rhetoric, and pass that knowledge on to the next generation. I was not meant for battle, to wash blood off my hands every night, nor was I meant to see women and children raped and murdered for the purpose of gaining one more village in hopes of reaching the end of the world.

That night, whence I entered my home again, my children came to me with tears in their eyes. Both of them wrapped their arms 'round my waist and looked up at me.

"Papa, please do not leave again, you scared us," my son begged me. Looking down at him, I saw only a trace of his grandfather Cleitus. Arties and Media looked so much like Heshaylae I was almost in awe of them.

Media could not speak, only hugging me tighter.

"I promise, my children," I swore to both them and their mother, who had appear by my side and sought shelter in my arms. "I promise I shan't leave like that again…" I fought the tears in my eyes. "I love you."

And with that, Arties and Media let go.

Heshaylae and I stayed together in a long embrace, watching Arties and Media together. We had the most beautiful children, I decided, and I was not going to let a haunted memory of my past take them from me.

In fact, I wanted to leave my past far behind. I decided, then and there, that I would seek an oracle when Apollo sent the sun over the horizon again.

I would forget all that I had done, all that I had known, and start anew.


	12. A Map of the World, Part IV

**A/N: SO sorry for not updating. I needed some time to think about this chapter, but I'm glad it turned out the way it did. This chapter deals exclusively with Hephaistion and Heshaylae and their family, just letting you know that.**

**Don't own them, never will, original characters are mine, haven't we been through this already?**

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**Chapter 12 

When the sun rose, I awakened and immediately departed. I did not wait for Heshaylae or Arties and Media to awaken to say goodbye. As of today I did not know if I would come home, or even remember where my home _was_ for that matter.

Almost as quickly as I had left my home, I arrived at the home of Aristander, the seer who had aided Alexander on many of his quests.

"I do not think this is a wise decision…" Aristander answered whence I had arrived and sat with him.

"I have not asked anything yet," I told him, quite confused.

"You forget, Hephaistion, I am a seer. I can see things that you cannot." Aristander answered. "You come to me because you wish to forget your past."

"Tis too painful to remember," I answered, not daring to look the man in the eye.

"If you wish me to erase your memory, Hephaistion, you forget all…" Aristander pleaded. "You will forget Heshaylae, and your children, Cassander as well."

"I only wish to forget Alexander," I reasoned. "My family, I wish I could have stayed in Macedonia and taken care of them instead of fighting useless wars to reach the end of the Earth." I drew in air. "I do not wish to forget Cassander either."

"I cannot erase parts, Hephaistion," he told me. "You cannot blame yourself for what Alexander has done," Aristander tilted my head so that I may look him in the face. "If I were to erase your memory you would not know who you are." Aristander mused. "You must go home, and replace the awful memories of Alexander with those of your family."

Aristander forced me to look at him. I suppose he did not want me to forget what he was telling me. "I will not do what you ask of me, Hephaistion, son of Amyntor, I will not let you forget what has happened…"

I looked at him, a confused look on my face.

"It has shaped who you have become…" he told me. I opened my mouth to protest. "I know, I know you do not like what is happening to you, the type of person you are becoming, but you are not an animal."

My mouth closed. Making a mark of an 'X' on my forehead, Aristander let me get up. "Go home to Heshaylae, Hephaistion."

I nodded, mounted my steed, and made my way home.

Dismounting, Heshaylae ran toward me. "Where did you go?"

Opening my mouth, I did not expect a backhand to the cheek. "Arties and Media were about to form a search party! They were even considering marching to the castle and asking Olympias for her aid!" I saw fire in her eyes. This was the first time I remember Heshaylae being angry with me. "Oh how I despise that woman, but I was willing, Hephaistion! I was willing to send my children to that vile _snake_ of a woman to find _you_!"

My hand went to my cheek as I saw the tears form in her eyes. She shrunk away from me as if I would poison her if she came close.

"Don't you see, Hephaistion…" she begged of me as my hand dropped to my side. "Whatever Alexander has done to you, I have tried to mend, but it is not enough..." she choked on her words. "Will it _ever_ be enough?"

I could not answer. I did not know how. The look in Heshaylae's eyes was enough to bring me to my knees. The hurt and fear mixed with relief made me cringe. She wanted to kill me, I had wronged her. A million and one words and a round trip from Hades would not have set things right.

"In time, Shaye, in time," I promised her. "Tis very difficult to undo fourteen years of abuse."

"Fourteen?" her eyes marred with tears. "Oh Phai…" she whispered. "What did he do to you?"

I took her by the hands and led her to the sitting room couch. Not letting go, my fingers intertwined with hers. The memory of the first time I realized I meant nothing to Alexander came flooding back into my memory.

* * *

_We were in Babylon, being welcomed by the court that had belonged to Darius. I look over at the boy standing with his head down, as though he was paying respect to Alexander._

_I saw him, and Alexander… he too, was not blind. He saw the same thing I saw. He just saw it in a different light._

_That night Alexander took the boy back to his chambers. The noise and rumours I heard afterward… it disgusted me. If Alexander was having sex with Bagoas, I think they said his name was, I may as well have slit my wrists right there._

_The next day I saw the same boy again, this time sitting next to Alexander. I wanted to vomit. The look of contempt of the Persian whore's face made me what to take a knife to him._

"_Hephaistion," I heard in my ear. "Jealous of the young Persian, are you?"_

"_You could only wish," I sneered. Cassander had always tried to get a rise out of me, but I never gave him that satisfaction._

"_I know you are," Cassander hissed in my ear again. "You're jealous because a eunuch has taken your place in Alexander's bed…"_

_I felt my fingers curl into a fist. I was so very close to turning around and splitting Cassander's lip open, but I did not. I considered myself to be quite controlled when it came to my emotions._

_Finally, when Alexander reached over and kissed the boy again, I got up and left the room as quickly as was humanly possible. Alexander, blind to what was right in front of him, did not notice that I had left, and I had no intention of letting him know.

* * *

_

"Continually he came back to my bed, begging forgiveness; that he did indeed love me, but by the end I had had enough. I had lain with Cassander the night before I left, and I did not look back."

Shaye now had tears in her eyes. "Oh Phai…" She let go of my hand and wiped her eye. "I'm sorry…"

"What are you sorry for?" I asked her, moving a strand of her hair behind her ear. "You did nothing."

"I did nothing when I should have done _something_!" she insisted. "I should have gone with you on the campaigns…"

"And expose Arties and Media to such horrors that I have witnessed?" I asked her. "You are not thinking, Heshaylae, to expose them to such things would tear me apart, I could not live with myself." I took her in my arms. "No, Shaye, you did the right thing by staying here."

I felt her stiff shoulders soften into my embrace, and I held her. I held her until her shoulders heaved, and she sobbed. All the pain I had caused her was being washed away. When she was finally able to stop herself, her eyes closed, and she fell asleep in my arms.


	13. From Yesterday, It's Coming

**A/N: I finally updated this story! This chapter is very emotional and raw, as Hephaistion is speaking from a father's point of view, hi feelings about how his father treated him, and how he feels toward his own children.**

**Reviews always welcome.

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Chapter 13 

_Alexander had just commissioned myself, Nearchus, and Cassander to his chambers. I knew not what he wanted, but I had just come from home, stunned with the news that I was to be a father. Heshaylae had just come to me with the news, but then I had been summoned. As I left to heed my king, I heard her retching into a bowl placed by the bed as she held her own hair back._

"_I promise I shall be home within a few hours, Shaye," I told her._

"_I hate you," she whispered before retching once again. "As long as I live I shan't ever do this again…"_

"_Make love or become pregnant?" I quipped._

"_You really are not funny," she rasped, raising herself back up and laying on her back once again. "Just go, Phai, I will see you in a few hours…" I turned and heard a faint 'I love you' escape her lips before she closed her eyes._

_I glanced back at her once more as I went out the door and walked the distance from my home to where I was to meet Alexander. Jogging as I got there, I received a glare from Alexander and Cassander._

"_I apologize," I answered. "Heshaylae was very ill this morning…" _

_Cassander smirked at me. "Is she with child?"_

_I said nothing._

"_She is, isn't she?" Cassander pressed me, "why else would you have put off such a meeting unless the woman you slept with was with child?"_

_Again, I said nothing. My eyes diverted over to Alexander, who only stood there, clenching his teeth together. Now _he _would understand how it felt to be ignored. _

_I turned from Cassander, as a way to ignore him. I wanted nothing more than to give him a bruised eye, but I clenched my fists. _

_It wasn't long until Alexander had dismissed the two of them and kept me behind. The look in his eyes took me he wanted answers._

_Answers for what? I had been late for this meeting and Heshaylae was with child… simple as that!_

"_So…" Alexander paced in front of me, as though I were one of his soldiers. I was not. I was a general in his army. I deserved respect._

"_What?" I replied._

"_Your whore is with child?"_

_That made my blood boil. "Says the man who refuses to marry and leave an heir, even when his kingdom is at risk." I placed my hands on his shoulders as forcefully as I could. "She is _not_ a whore. I did not take her as my whore." My eyes bore into his. "She is to bear my son, and she deserves respect."_

"_And if she bears you a daughter?" Alexander's eyes blazed._

"_Just as well," I answered. "And, when the time comes for her to court and marry, with every suitor that comes to call I shall be at the door with my spear in hand."_

_Alexander chuckled despite himself. "The sex is not even determined and already you speak as though you are a father." _

"_I shall be soon," I enveloped him. "Lay a hand on my daughter and I shall have to stab you."_

_He chuckled again._

_I was speaking as a parent. I did not have any children yet, and already I was speaking as a father.

* * *

_

My mind flashed back to the present, where Heshaylae is still asleep in my arms. She looks so peaceful I can only wonder how many times she has fallen asleep without me by her side. I feel horrible for all the times I could not protect her.

I kiss the top of her head and close my eyes. I feel a single tear run down my cheek. It was my fault that my children think me a sod; it is my fault that Shaye is so angry; it is my fault that I had not been there to protect them. Plenty of men stayed behind and took jobs in the city, why could I not be one of them? Why did I have to go off and fight with Alexander, a man I so desperately hated?

Oh yes, there was a time when I loved him, do not doubt it. Now as he is dead, I am glad. It is still hard for me to fathom that I am no longer under Alexander's command; that I may live my own life as I please. My children still see me as someone who may very well decide to leave and ne'er return.

I made a vow to myself that I shan't ever do that to them. They have spent seven years without me… I do not know them, and they do not know me. They mean so much to me; and I need to let them know that I am never going to leave them. I shan't walk out and leave their mother to fend for them alone. Whatever wages I earned while away I sent back to Heshaylae, so Arties and Media would never want for anything.

But then I realized that they _did_ want for something. It was not money, nor fame, nor toys, they wanted _me._ Their _father._ And I was not there.

There was nothing I could ever say or do to make up for something so horrific. I knew the pain of not having a father around to hold you when things were tough, and I'd promised to never do the same.

I'd failed.

I was going to do what my father never did. I cradled Shaye in my arms and carried her to the bed. Kissing her cheek, he pulled a blanket over her and went to say goodnight to my children.

Arties and Media shared a bedchamber. It would be this way until they were too old to do so. Each tucked into their beds, I kissed first the forehead of Media, and then of Arties. I looked back on them as I closed their curtains.

Just before I closed their curtains fully, I noticed a figure coming toward the house. To keep them safe, I shut their curtains and went out to the front of the house.

There, standing in my doorway, was none other than Cassander.


End file.
